Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and the severity and type of problems a narcissistic person can create in a marriage can vary based on where they fall on that spectrum and the specific characteristics of their narcissism.
Grandiose narcissism is characterized by a more overt and outwardly confident expression of superiority and entitlement. These individuals may be more likely to display arrogance and seek admiration.
Vulnerable narcissism, on the other hand, is associated with a more fragile sense of self-esteem, often accompanied by feelings of insecurity, envy, and hypersensitivity to criticism.
Malignant narcissism is a type of narcissism that includes traits from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Malignant narcissists can be manipulative, deceitful, lack empathy, and show a disregard for the rights and well-being of others. These individuals tend to create particularly toxic and harmful dynamics in marriages.
This type of narcissism affects around 6% of the population.
Signs of a narcissistic marriage
Narcissism refers to a personality trait characterized by a heightened sense of self-importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, a lack of empathy for others, and often a tendency to exploit or manipulate others for personal gain.
When these traits are prominent within a marriage, it can lead to a variety of issues and challenges.
The signs of a narcissistic marriage can encompass both the observable behaviors of the narcissistic partner and the emotional impact those behaviors have on the spouse.
Despite the differences between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism (as noted above), both types share the common trait of entitlement. They believe they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, unconditional love, and special privileges.
Here are some other common signs that might be indicative of a narcissistic marriage:
- The narcissistic partner tends to prioritize their own needs, desires, and accomplishments over those of their spouse.
- There is a lack of empathy in the marriage. This can lead to one partner feeling unheard, unsupported, and emotionally disconnected.
- The narcissistic spouse requires constant admiration and validation. They might even seek attention from sources outside the marriage, which can result in infidelity.
- The narcissistic partner has a hard time accepting criticism. They might become defensive, react with anger, or deflect blame onto their spouse.
- The narcissistic partner may use manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or withholding affection to control their spouse.
- Narcissistic spouses may exploit their partner’s resources, emotions, or talents for their own gain.
- The narcissistic spouse might try to isolate their partner from friends and family.
In addition to the observable behaviors, the emotional impact on the spouse can be a sign of a narcissistic marriage. These emotional experiences might include feeling unheard, isolated, devalued, confused, unstable, or emotionally drained.
Recognizing both the observable behaviors and the emotional impact is crucial for understanding the dynamics of a narcissistic marriage.
Are You Married to a Grandiose or Vulnerable Narcissist?
While both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists can exhibit similar traits, it’s important to understand that the expression and intensity of these traits will vary between the two types.
Grandiose narcissists often display an exaggerated sense of self-importance and superiority. They expect to be the center of attention and will demand constant admiration from others. They tend to dominate conversations, brag about their accomplishments, and dismiss their partner’s needs.
Additionally, they may come across as conceited and arrogant, as their belief in their own rightness and superiority can lead them to be intolerant of differing opinions.
Vulnerable narcissists might display similar traits, but this is often as a way to compensate for their underlying feelings of inadequacy. They have a more delicate self-esteem and will seek validation and reassurance from others to counteract their feelings of low self-worth.
Vulnerable narcissists will engage in more passive-aggressive, manipulative behaviors as opposed to more overt displays of cruelty.
Signs of Being Married to a Grandiose Narcissist Include:
- They expect to be the center of attention
- They exaggerate their achievements
- They lack empathy
- They feel entitled to special treatment and privileges
- They are conceited and arrogant
- They have difficulty accepting criticism
Signs of Being Married to a Vulnerable Narcissist Include:
- They have a fragile self-esteem
- They have a constant need for reassurance
- They will employ subtle manipulation tactics
- They avoid criticism and rejection
- They can experience anxiety and mood swings
- They may appear shy and reserved
Types of narcissistic marriage problems
Narcissistic relationships can be marked by a range of unique challenges and marriage problems that can have damaging consequences for the victims.
Here are some types of problems that commonly occur in narcissistic relationships:
Lack of Empathy and Emotional Support
Narcissists tend to struggle with providing genuine emotional support and empathy.
Narcissistic partners often prioritize their own needs, desires, and emotions over those of their spouse. They might dismiss their partner’s concerns, fail to acknowledge their feelings, or struggle to validate their experiences.
Narcissists are self-centered individuals. They tend to dominate conversations with their own topics and experiences and neglect those of their spouse.
This can lead to the non-narcissistic spouse feeling unimportant, misunderstood, and isolated. Over time, this emotional neglect can erode the foundation of the relationship, leading to resentment, sadness, and a sense of emptiness.
Infidelity
Narcissists have a constant need for attention and admiration from multiple sources. When a narcissistic individual is in a relationship, they might seek this lead validation from sources outside their marriage. This can lead to jealousy, insecurity, and dishonesty within the relationship.
Narcissists also have a tendency to be unfaithful because they believe they are entitled to behave in any way that will satisfy their own needs.
Some narcissists, particularly those with grandiose traits, are thrill-seekers who enjoy the excitement of acquiring new sexual or romantic partners. Acquiring new partners provides an opportunity for them to receive fresh admiration and attention, boosting their self-esteem and reinforcing their sense of superiority.
Day, Townsend, and Grenyer (2021) studied the interpersonal dysfunction within narcissist relationships. One participant in their study noted that her partner:
“had an affair with [her] best friend when [she] was pregnant with his son and told [her] the entire time [she] was imagining things because [she] was emotional from being pregnant.”
She continued that, “he is a serial cheater with at least a dozen local sex and dating website accounts, and when [she] stumbled onto proof of any of them he threatened [her] with physical violence.”
Gaslighting Behaviors
Narcissists will use manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting or guilt-tripping, to control their partner and maintain dominance in the relationship.
Gaslighting involves distorting, denying, or manipulating information in order to make the other person doubt their own perceptions, memory, or sanity.
A narcissistic partner might deny events, conversations, or promises that actually took place or manipulate facts or events to fit their own narrative.
Victims of gaslighting are often left feeling disoriented, anxious, and emotionally dependent on the gaslighter. Over time, this can result in a significant erosion of their self-esteem and self-trust.
In a qualitative study by Green and Charles (2019), one female participant who was in a relationship with a vulnerable narcissist reported:
“He would tell me what the reality was and he justified it so well and he was so convinced in his arguments that I would sort of accept his reality as my own . . . I felt like I was part of his reality to the point where I didn’t even have my own thoughts anymore.”
Diminished Self-Worth
Narcissists tend to have an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. Due to their lack of empathy and need for control, narcissistic individuals might feel entitled to treat their partners with disdain or disregard.
They might diminish, criticize, and belittle their partner to make them more dependent and compliant.
Narcissists might minimize their partner’s feelings or challenges, suggesting that their own problems are more significant or demanding attention.
One victim of a narcissistic relationship (Czerny, Lassiter, and Lim (2018) said:
“I mean, honestly I was nothing. You wouldn’t have even recognized me. I didn’t recognize me. It was incredible. I wasn’t even there. I didn’t do anything I enjoyed at all. I was just constantly trying to make sure everything was okay for him. And of course it never is okay. It’s never enough.”
Being Controlled
Narcissists have an insatiable need for control.
They might begin by subtly controlling what you wear and eat, but overtime, this can escalate until they are in control of your finances, children, movements, and support network.
They might attempt to isolate you from friends and family to make you more dependent on them and less likely to seek outside perspectives. They may also impose their beliefs, values, and opinions on you, expecting you to conform to their way of thinking.
In some cases, narcissistic partners will use threats, whether overt or subtle, to keep you compliant and fearful of the consequences of opposing them.
The following is one account of a victim of a narcissistic partner:
“He also reads my text messages regularly and checks my telephone calls. I feel like being a prisoner in my own life… I’m not allowed to meet any of my friends either… He wants to dominate and control me.”
Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Narcissists often employ verbal and emotional abuse as a way to control and manipulate their partners.
Verbal abuse might include name-calling, put-downs, blame-shifting, sarcasm, humiliation, or mockery. Their goal is to belittle and demean their partner to make them feel inadequate and worthless.
Emotional abuse, on the other hand, can be more subtle, but it is still just as harmful.
This might include using emotional manipulation (e.g., guilt, fear, or sympathy) to control your actions; distorting your reality (e.g., gaslighting) to make you doubt your own perceptions and memory; withholding affection and emotional support to punish you or exert control over you; or projecting their own negative traits onto you, making you feel responsible for their behavior.
The following is another example from Day, Townsend, and Grenyer (2021) on this behavior:
“He has rages which are brutally cruel, with verbal tirades that include shouting, swearing, name calling, and using my most private vulnerabilities as a weapon to hurt me and mock me.”
Long-term effects of being married to a narcissist
Being married to a narcissist can have profound and lasting effects on your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.
Interestingly, many survivors of abusive relationship report that emotional and psychological abuse can have a more detrimental and lasting impact on them than physical abuse. While physical abuse can cause visible injuries, emotional and psychological abuse targets a person’s self-esteem, mental well-being, and sense of identity.
Additionally, because narcissistic abuse is often insidious and covert in nature, victims often do not recognize and understand the extent of the harm until it has escalated or reached a breaking point.
Diminished Self-Esteem
Overtime, the constant criticism, belittling, and manipulation can erode your self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse can chip away at a person’s sense of confidence and identity until they no longer recognize the person they have become.
The abuse and manipulation can leave deep emotional wounds that affect your ability to trust, form new relationships, and experience happiness.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Narcissists often disregard your boundaries, which can make it challenging to set and enforce healthy boundaries in future relationships.
The following is a personal account of a survivor of a narcissistic marriage from Czerny, Lassiter, and Lim (2018):
“In relationships, I kind of gave away total control, I just let all the boundaries down, and I guess I thought that when you love someone, you don’t have to have boundaries, and you’re supposed to have total trust and you just don’t have boundaries.”
Anxiety and Depression
The chronic stress of emotional abuse can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues that persist even after the relationship ends. The betrayal, manipulation, and lies experienced in a narcissistic relationship can result in a range of mental health challenges, including:
- Anxiety disorders (e.g., generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and panic disorder)
- Depression
- Low self-esteem and self-worth
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Substance misuse
- Distrust and intimacy issues
- Isolation and loneliness
- Fear of future rejection
How to leave a narcissistic marriage
Leaving a narcissistic marriage can be a challenging and complex process, but it’s a crucial step toward reclaiming your well-being and rebuilding your life.
First, you must accept that your partner will not change. Narcissists may attempt to manipulate you into staying and make promises of change, but you must remind yourself of all of the reasons you decided to leave in the first place and stay firm in your decision.
A narcissistic relationship is often associated with “trauma bonding,” which is a powerful emotional bond a victim of abuse forms with their abuser. It is created in the “love bombing” phase and continues to grow stronger even when the abuse occurs.
This is because when the abuser is kind, you experience a rush of relief as dopamine is released in the brain. You then begin to associate this sensation of pleasure with the abuser, strengthening your bond to them.
Here are steps to consider if you’re contemplating leaving a narcissistic marriage:
Gather Support
Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who can provide emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout the process.
If the narcissist has isolated you from these important people in your life, you should reach back out and explain what has happened. They can provide support, practical help, and a safe space to share your experiences.
Additionally, consulting a therapist or counselor experienced in narcissistic abuse and trauma can help you navigate the emotional challenges as you prepare to leave.
Develop an Exit Plan
Be sure to plan your exit strategy carefully. This might involve finding a safe place to stay, securing your finances, and blocking their access to you online.
If you have shared assets, property, or children, consult with a lawyer who specializes in family law to understand your rights and options.
As you plan to leave, limit contact with the narcissistic partner as much as possible to reduce the risk of manipulation or escalation.
What Can Happen When You Leave?
When you try to leave, your partner may interpret this as a loss of control and try to “hoover” you back. Hoovering is a tactic commonly used by narcissists to try to regain control and manipulate their partners back into the relationship after they’ve attempted to leave.
They may shower you with love and affection, promise to change, apologize profusely, make grand gestures, or portray themselves as the victim.
Remember that hoovering is a manipulation tactic, and the narcissist’s behavior is unlikely to change in the long term. Remind yourself of the reasons you wanted to leave in the first place and maintain strong boundaries with the narcissist to prevent being manipulated.
Prioritize Your Safety
If you’re concerned about your safety, especially if the narcissistic partner has a history of aggression or violence, be sure to prioritize your safety.
- Do not tell them you are planning to leave or where you plan to go
- Limit contact with them as much as possible
- Be in touch with trusted friends and family
- Stay somewhere you know you will be safe
- Bring cash if your partner has access to your bank account
- Check for trackers on your devices
- Log out of your accounts and block them on all social media platforms
- Bring any important documents and valuable possessions with you
- Consider obtaining a restraining order or protection order
- Contact the police if necessary
FAQs
When Should You Seek Help?
If you’re feeling consistently anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship, it’s a clear indication that professional help is needed.
Or, if you find yourself constantly doubting your perceptions, reality, and emotions and feel like you’ve lost your sense of identity and self-worth due to the relationship, you should consider seeking help.
Therapy, especially with a professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic dynamics, can provide a safe and supportive space for you to process your experiences, heal from the emotional wounds, and rebuild your life.
Can You Fix a Marriage With a Narcissist?
Fixing a marriage with a narcissist can be extremely challenging, and it’s important to approach the situation with realistic expectations.
True change requires the narcissist’s willingness to recognize their harmful behaviors and actively seek help. However, the very nature of narcissism means they do not see fault in their behavior or have the self-awareness and empathy required for genuine change.
You must be aware that narcissists are skilled manipulators, and they might pretend to change in order to regain control over the relationship or prevent you from leaving. And, even if a narcissist initially seems to make genuine changes, these changes are often short-lived.
Why do Narcissists Get Married?
Narcissists often get married because of their own desires, needs, and motivations.
Marriage can provide them with a sense of authority and dominance over their partner. It can also be a way for narcissists to bolster their self-image and public perception, especially if their partner is wealthy and of high social status.
Marriage provides a steady source of narcissistic supply, so they might initially be seeking emotional fulfillment and intimacy from the relationship. However, this often fades as the relationship progresses.
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